3 blondes Dick Casablancas shouldn't have hit on
by TaleWeaver
Summary: Dick's luck with women just keeps getting worse or maybe it's his judgement... multiple crossover


TITLE: Three blondes that Dick Casablancas should never have hit on (and two brunettes he shouldn't have either).

AUTHOR: TaleWeaver

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any characters here.

FANDOM: Veronica Mars / Dresden Files (bookverse) / Harry Potter / Witch Hunter Robin / X-men: Evolution / Buffy

RATING / CONTENT: PG

SPOILERS: Everything that's been aired / published in each series. Specific timeline notes after each part where applicable.

SUMMARY: Dick's luck with women is just getting worse and worse – or maybe it's his judgement… (written for the dizzy challenge at vmlyric)

AUTHOR'S NOTES: the chances of anyone else being familiar with all six fandoms mentioned are… well, slim. So in several cases, links are given to sites with basic information (and to pictures of the characters, where available). I'm also seriously wondering what possessed me to write Dick, of all people.

1) Suicide blonde

Even in business class, flying overseas sucked.

Dick scrubbed a hand through his hair as he tromped through LAX. He'd stayed in the Caymans as long as he could, but Big Dick had pretty much kicked him out the other day, saying that if his mother had gone through all this trouble to get him into college, he should really try it.

Too bad his mom hadn't made any sort of effort to help Beav when he'd wanted to go to boarding school instead of Little League.

Nonononono. Bad Thoughts. Very Bad Thoughts. He needed a distraction.

So Dick headed to the bar.

He was about to order a Jack and Coke when he spied a flash of sunlight across the room. He blinked and a woman came into focus under the blonde hair. Short, neatly curved and compact, with a really cute face.

Okay, sex was better than booze. For a while, at least.

She was older than him – ten years, maybe? – but hell, so was Kendall, and she hadn't had a problem doing Logan. Logan got to have a hot older woman, why not him?

The fact that she could have passed as Veronica's older sister was lost on him. It really should have set some alarm bells ringing.

God, flying coach absolutely sucked. As her cousins' kids would have put it, it totally sucked dead bunnies through a straw. Goddamn accounting.

She'd known what she was getting into when she went for a inter-dimensional rescue operation – knowing she'd be lucky to keep her badge, much less her position as head of SI. She'd still do it again, a hundred times over. She accepted the consequences, including losing all her seniority.

But DAMN! If she was going to be sent on every briefing-other-departments-and-lying-through-your-ass trip, couldn't they at least spring for second class?

Karrin put down her cocktail with a grimace. The bartender might be cute, but he couldn't make a decent Octopus's Garden for shit. It wasn't like it was a difficult recipe.

"Waiting for someone?"

Her eyes lit on the blonde teenager standing next to her, and gave him the look she usually reserved for scumbags she arrested. To no effect. Please, Lord, tell her this idiot wasn't going to do what she thought he was…

"Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?"

There were times she liked being blonde, blue-eyed and five feet nothing. Few and far between times. This was not one of them.

"No, I don't. Because idiots keep using it as an excuse to use dumbass pickup lines," she retorted.

Surfer-boy gave her what was probably meant to be a puppy-dog look, but looked just plain retarded, and reached out to touch her hair as he said, "Oh, come on-"

His hand never made contact.

Karrin's fingers locked around his wrist like a vice. Before he could even whimper, she had him on his knees, with the wrist twisted behind his back and up between his shoulder blades.

"I have a black belt in aikido, and a nine millimetre in the bag right next to me. I suggest you leave before I made up my mind which I want to use on you first."

She released him, and Surfer-boy moved away like he'd seen a cheerleader near the door. He stopped for just a moment – out of her reach, so maybe he still had half a functioning brain cell – and told her in an injured tone, "Y'know, if you didn't want company, you just had to say so."

Damn, but she missed Harry at times like this. Ridiculously chivalrous, even to her - though he knew and admired the fact that she could kick his ass without breathing hard - started a mystical war over someone he loved, rescued sacred puppies from giant purple monkeys flinging flaming crap Harry. God, if she ever thought he was a valid option – especially in the last year or so – she'd jump him so fast his head would spin. She could find a way around the whole ageing issue if she had to, if he'd just change his mind about having kids.

But he was back in Chicago. So Karrin just sighed and knocked back the rest of her drink.

2. Ice blonde

Dick couldn't help but think it was kinda funny. He'd seen more of his mother in the past year than he had since the divorce. First she got him into Hearst, now she'd started dragging him along to fundraiser shindigs as her backup man-bag, whenever the new stepfather couldn't make it.

But he had to admit; this huge-ass aquarium was a whole lot more interesting than the ballroom at the Neptune Grand. Those giant sea turtles were cool – they looked just like the ones in 'Finding Nemo'!

Mom was talking to the State something-or-other, but he'd had enough of being on display for one night. So he wandered over to the Octopus tank, and the woman staring into the depths with fascination. Okay, so he couldn't see her face, and the long velvet dress was pretty shapeless. But her hair was gorgeous - long and straight, streaming halfway down her back, so pale a blonde it was almost silvery.

He wandered over and they both watched one of the octopuses – or was it octopi? He never could remember – swim around. Dick took a closer look at one and frowned. Hey, he recognized that one! He'd seen it swim by a few times when he was surfing in the Caymans.

He stepped a little closer and lowered his voice a little. Mom would get pissed if she overheard him making a pickup when he was supposed to be hanging around her. "Y'know, I only have two arms, but I can use 'em in eight places at once, if you know what I mean."

"Excuse me?" came an indignant comment as the woman swung around.

"Holy shit!" Dick squeaked, jumping back. "Not again!"

It wasn't exactly a woman.

"Maybe you Mug – Americans – are more open about things that should remain private, but I can assure you I'm not that way inclined!"

Man, what was with him and trannies? All he needed was someone he actually knew to see him.

"Dick, how much did you have to drink?"

He had to think that, didn't he? He should have known Casey fucking Gant would be around somewhere. Every political hack in California had been dropping their panties for him since his senior year, when his grandma had kicked it and left him everything.

Dick pointed at the blonde guy, and assured Casey, "Dude, I only saw him from the back, and he's got long blonde hair and he's wearing a dress!"

"Robe! They're dress robes, and I can assure you they came from the best store in London!"

Casey grimaced, and said apologetically, "I'm really sorry about Dick. You'd be Draco Malfoy, I assume?" He held out his hand, and his ring flashed in the lights, the bird carved on it almost seeming to move.

"Yes," sneered the blonde Brit, as he shook Casey's hand. "I did want to meet somewhere less public, if you'll recall."

Casey grimaced again, and turned to Dick. "Look, he's a part of a pagan community from Britain – they go way back with my Grandmother – and my parents will give me all sorts of crap if they find out I'm keeping up with her friends. If you could keep this to yourself, I'd really appreciate it."

Dick shook his head, holding up his hands as he backed away. "No problemo. Man, I just wanna forget this ever happened!"

"Happy to oblige," hissed Draco. Dick didn't see him reaching into his pocket, or remember the piece of wood he pulled out. "Obliviate!"

3. Candlelight blonde

Dick had to admit that the Hearst student union wasn't bad, but the food was still better at the open-air markets. It wasn't exactly in the 09-er zip, but there was this little old lady who made these mind-bending dim sums, and she never carded him for sake.

Chewing as he looked around the tiny seating area, Dick saw a teenage girl sitting by herself, watching the crowd, a large backpack by her feet.

Her hair was golden blonde, with red highlights – kind of like a candle flame – and she handled her chopsticks with such grace and assurance that Dick immediately wondered how those delicate fingers would work other things.

Logan would have taken one look at her and walked away. But then, Logan had dated both Lilly Kane and Veronica Mars, and therefore had far more experience with dangerous women than Dick had.

"Third time lucky?" Dick muttered as he strolled over.

"Hey, this seat taken?" he asked.

The girl looked up at him, startled. "Excuse me?"

Her voice was low and soothing, and slightly accented, a little like that Sophia Loren chick. Man, what a babe – he'd jerked off to that movie for ages until Logan had mentioned how old it was, and that she was like sixty-something now.

Sitting down, Dick grinned and said, "Hey, I love a woman with an accent. Are you new in town?"

Her emerald eyes went wide, as she replied, "Just a quick stopover. I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for my friend."

"That's cool," Dick shrugged. "High school grad trip? Maybe I can show the both of you around - in fact, if you're staying here awhile, I insist."

"It's kind of you to offer, but we won't be here that long."

"That's too bad, 'cause I know all the best places in town. I'm Dick, by the way."

"Oh, I'm Robin."

"Great name. So who's your friend?"

Right on cue, Dick saw her eyes move beyond him. He wrote the girl off as a total waste of time on the spot, as her face lit up so drastically that Dick knew he'd completely disappeared from her universe. He'd seen Logan look at Ronnie like that a few times.

"Here's your espresso," came a voice from beside him. The man's voice had a tinge of an accent too, something Aisan, and it was colder than Dick's last beer.

Dick looked up – and up - to see a pair of gunmetal-grey eyes boring into his, with a glacial expression that couldn't have scared Dick more if the dude had pulled a gun – which Dick was mortally sure he had – and stuck it in his face. Actually, Dick was pretty damn sure that he was just about to do exactly that.

Dick stumbled away as fast as he could, feeling Shitscary Dude's eyes tracing an invisible bullseye between his shoulder blades. As soon as he was out of sight around a corner Dick shifted his pants to check he hadn't left any wet spots.

"Was he bothering you?" Amon asked her as he sat down, his tone implying that he'd be happy to track down and kill the hapless boy if she asked.

Robin shook her head, "No more than a mosquito."

Amon took one look at the bag of dim sum the boy had left behind and dropped it on the next table.

"We should go as soon as you're finished."

Robin nodded, as she ate the last morsel of takoyaki and placed her chopsticks neatly beside the empty container.

As she reached for the takeout cup of espresso, she smiled at her partner and protector with fond exasperation. Christo, but when was the silly man going to realise that HE was the only man she wanted in her life and her heart? If he didn't wake up by her eighteenth birthday, she was going to start considering Nagira's joking suggestion about the sleeping pill and handcuffs…

4. Black and white and red all over

Dick was in a good mood. Ronnie had done her pixie spymaster thing and cleared the Pi Sigs from raping that girl Claire, so a trip to the mall for extra decorations for the we're-still-in-business party was in order.

As a freshman and new member (and man, would it have sucked to have the fraternity shut down just as he'd gotten in!), Dick was sent to the mall to do the grunt work. Oh well. He'd been dragged here often enough by Madison that he knew his way around. Quick stop at Party Town – and Liquor City to top up the credit line for the house – and he could hit the food court for lunch.

He would have gone for dim sum, but he was still a little leery of that place. Better give it another couple of weeks.

"Why is it we always seem to end up at the mall?"

Todd looked around and shrugged, "Karma, sweetums? This looks just like the one back in Bayville."

"Don't call me sweetums," his companion replied curtly.

Todd just ducked his head to hide his grin; over the past couple of years, her standard replies had gone from vehement to automatic. Things had really improved since the gang had started work at S.H.I.E.L.D. – and the Boss-Man had insisted that he take a shower every day.

He'd waited four years to get this far with Wanda. He could wait a few more.

Dick was heading for Pizza Express when a flash of dark hair combined with bright red caught his attention.

Ghost World?

Nah. Beard or not, someone who'd dated a Casablancas would never resort to the loser this chick was sitting with. What was with this guy? Muddy brown hair hanging lankly to his shoulders, and eyes the green of a swamp or something. Not to mention the teeth – what, hadn't he ever heard of Crest?

The girl with black and red hair shifted, and Dick got a closer look. Wow, this chick had a face like one of those brooch thingies.

"This is gonna be a community service," he muttered to himself as he strolled over.

"So what's a babe like you doing with a loser like this?"

Todd looked up and winced. This guy was exactly Wanda's type – tall, blonde, and muscled. At least he didn't look too bright.

"What's it to you?" Wanda asked, eyes narrowing.

Funny how Wanda used him frequently as her verbal punching bag, but no one else outside the family could. It was one of the things that gave him hope.

"I'm doing community service," Dick replied smoothly.

Goth chick was even better close up. Her slender throat was encircled by a velvet choker, setting off her milky skin, with that Egyptian cross thingy – with the loop at the top – hanging off it, with matching ones in her ears.

The lace-up sleeveless top she was wearing was the same bright red as the streaks in her hair, and her tight leather jeans were pitch black, same as her hair between the streaks.

Goth babe's eyes narrowed, then widened again as a slow, catlike smile curved her lips. Still looking at him, she laid her fingers on Swamp boy's wrist.

"Todd? Why don't you go see if that special order is ready?" she asked sweetly.

"Uh, sure thing," the loser replied, and left with a funny bouncing walk.

Dick just slid smoothly into his seat and leaned forward with his best smile.

Todd was about to tell Himbo where to get off, when Wanda laid her fingers on his wrist. Using the silent code they used in the field, she used her fingertips to tap out 'leave' and 'I'll take this guy'.

Todd stumbled out some reply – physical contact of any kind with Wanda tended to leave him a little dizzy – and had to clamp down on himself to keep from hopping away. Instead, he did his best saunter and ducked behind a nearby pillar to watch.

This was gonna be good. His crimson cutie had calmed down a bit as she'd matured, but she still had an explosive temper, and she hadn't been able to blow off some steam in ages. While he'd liked all the recon they'd been doing together over the past few months – especially the 'together' part - Wanda needed action on a regular basis to keep on an even keel. It was too bad he'd smashed up his camera phone on their last mission; Pietro loved watching footage of his twin in action, as long as she wasn't aiming her powers at him.

Himbo leaned forward, smiling like an idiot, and Todd snickered.

Wanda had become a little subtler with the years; instead of shooting a Hex bolt right in his face, she just flicked a finger towards Todd's drink. Which promptly fell on its side, the contents streaming directly to the guy's crotch.

Naturally, he jumped up and started yelling.

Wanda followed up this fine start by gesturing towards one of his shopping bags, and Todd could hear the sound of glass shattering.

"Aw, man! The beer!" Himbo wailed, bending to look in the bag.

Another wave of her hand, her bracelets jangling, and Himbo slipped and landed on his backside between the two bags.

Wanda looked over and gasped in mock concern. The light glinted off her rings as she wiggled her fingers at the other bag, and what looked to be a huge bag of confetti exploded. As she bent to help up her fallen suitor, Wanda reached out a hand in the midst of the rain of shredded paper, and a tiny whirlwind funnelled most of them directly onto Himbo. Where they stuck.

By the time Himbo got to his feet, he looked like those Wild West pictures of dudes who'd been tarred and feathered. Only in pink, blue, and yellow paper scraps.

Wanda just smiled a goodbye, turned, and strolled towards the pillar where he was standing. Yeah, she was in a much better mood, now.

5. Dark as night

Damn, life was good.

The Greeks had been reinstated, that douche bag rapist was caught – so those FemNazis could just get off everyone's back already – and finals were over.

Yeah, life was good.

So why was he sitting on the beach watching the moon rise, drinking beer all by himself?

It was his little brother's birthday, and the cemetery was fucking depressing. Beav had always liked the beach, anyway.

"Sand to shore, and waves to the sea."

What the?

Dick twisted around and blinked. Man, Neptune was getting even weirder.

About ten feet away, a woman in an old-fashioned white dress was wading in the shallows, dress hiked up to her knees. With her long black hair and fancy necklace, she looked like something out of a perfume commercial or something.

"Hey, are you lost?" 'Cause he was so through with community service.

"I know exactly where I am – I'm somewhere else," she giggled.

Great, a crazy chick. But then, he hadn't had much luck with the sane ones lately. Not to mention, he really did like a woman with an accent.

"Um, you here for Christmas?"

"I like Christmas by the ocean. The moon is full forever, and you can follow the moonpath over the waves, with a hop, skip and jump!"

"Well, full moon's a good time for it," agreed Dick easily.

The woman walked towards him, heedless of the sand collecting on the hem of her satin dress.

"It's almost time for tea," she said dreamily.

"Great timing. I'm starved, you?"

"Oh, yes. I haven't eaten in ages."

"Want to go to dinner? I'll treat you to the best restaurant in town."

"Actually," she said, "I'd rather eat in. Want to come to my room, love?"

Dick grinned. "Hell, yeah! Oh hey, I didn't catch your name."

"Drusilla," she replied, smiling back. Her teeth were very white.

FINI

My lyric was 'The moon is full forever', from the song 'Dizzy' by the Goo Goo Dolls.

My object was 'Octopus'. Having never done this challenge before, I wasn't sure how prominent the object had to be - so I erred on the excessive side.

1) Suicide blonde: Detective Karrin Murphy is one of the main characters of The Dresden Files series of novels, written by Jim Butcher. This takes place after Proven Guilty – not sure about White Night, it hasn't come through at the library yet.

You can find out more information, and sample chapters, at  . The TV show just finished it's first season on Sci-Fi channel – you can buy it at itunes.

Octopus's Garden cocktail: Pour 3 oz Gin, 1 oz dry vermouth into a cocktail shaker half-filled with cracked ice. Shake well, and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a black olive, and serve.

My friend Carly pointed out aftter I'd written this fic that this is simply a martini recipe. One of these days we're coming up with a better idea – something with Midori and blue curacao.

2) Icy blonde: Draco Malfoy is of course property of J.K. Rowling. If you want more information on the Harry Potter series… you've been living on another planet, obviously. I will say that Draco, in this story, is wearing the same hairstyle that his dad wears in the movies, if that helps with Dick's confusion. I was going to have him remain a Death Eater, but Casey sort of snuck into the story when I wasn't looking, and I couldn't bear making him one of the bad guys.

3) Candlelight blonde: Robin, Amon and Nagira are from the anime "Witch Hunter Robin," and thus belong to Sunrise films and Bandai entertainment. There are good pages on and wikipedia. You can also order the DVD's from several websites, including Amazon. (You'll understand the 'candlelight' reference a little better if you've seen the series: Robin is a pyrokinetic, and there's a shot of her lighting candles in the opening credits.) This takes place roughly a year and a half after the end of the series, with Robin and Amon still on the run.

Robin is eating Takoyaki. This is made with breaded balls and stuffed with pieces of octopus. There are numerous ways to prepare the dessert and the topping(s) can be equally diverse, with takoyaki sauce, Worcestershire sauce, or mayonnaise being the most popular.

4) Red, white and black all over: this version of Wanda Maximoff (aka Scarlet Witch) and Todd Tolensky (aka Toad) are from the cartoon series X-men: Evolution. The first three seasons are available to buy on DVD; season 4 should be out next year (most of the eps are also on YouTube).

If you simply guessed 'X-men' you only get half points; Toad's real first name is Todd only on Evolution; in the comics and Movie-verse, his name is Mortimer Toynbee.

Beyond Evolution, one of the best sites on the net, can be found at http://x-men. to 'Image Gallery', 'Characters' and 'Brotherhood' to see what Wanda and Todd actually look like.

This takes place some time after the series finale, but still before the 'future' version of the Brotherhood seen at the very end. The 'Boss-man' that Todd refers to is Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

5) Dark as night: If you hadn't guessed, Drusilla is the creation of fellow Veronica Mars fan, Joss Whedon (who is my god now). She did, however, steal a line from Farscape.


End file.
